Dear Summer,

I didn't think I'd ever feel the way.
I'm ready for you to be over.

I'm ready to have my husband back.
I'm ready for summer classes to be over.
I'm ready for a vacation.
A real vacation.
A vacation with my husband.
I'm ready for my normal life and regular routine to be back.
Which includes my husband.

I kind of miss him, a lot.
Having him in Baltimore is harder than I thought.
I don't cry as much as I did in the beginning.
But I still do sometimes.

Thank you for his free bike.
It makes me laugh that the chain keeps falling off,
and that it's too small.
But it's all part of the adventure.
Thank you for the kind people who take him to the grocery store.

Summer, please keep my Baltimore Boy safe.
I love him, a lot a lot.

Sincerely,
J

Without you

I only have to make one side of the bed...but that means you weren't there next to me.

I can watch whatever I want...but that means you weren't there to watch it with me.

One cooked meal that used to be shared between us has turned into 3 meals for just me...

because you weren't here to eat it with me.

I only did one load of laundry this week...but that means you weren't here with me.

Yesterday was your birthday and I texted you all the special things I was doing just

for your special day...but that means I did them without you.

Yesterday you went and got a special birthday Frosty....but without me.

 I parked your car right under our window so I can always see it. It's covered in leaves,

dirt and rain drops....all reminders that you're not here to drive it.

I climbed up on the desk to pull the big plant down to water it...which means

you weren't here to pull it down for me.

I miss you my sweet.

You're where you're supposed to be, and I'm where I'm supposed to be.

Everything is perfect and I get to see you in a month.

I love you.

The hubs is MIA

....well not really. He's in Baltimore, in da HOOD! No really, like really he's in da hood. His first day there his roommate, who we will call Carl, had stumbled in around 8am and passed out drunk in the living room with his earphones in and blaring loud music and tapping his foot to the beat. Ben said he tried to wake him up because he wasn't sure if he was alive, and he didn't wake up, but his foot kept tapping. Drunk reflexes? Who knows...

Maybe I should leave the rest of his stories for him to tell. They are pretty good. Basically, when I go out there to visit, I won't be allowed out of the house unless accompanied by him. So my dreams of having independent exploring adventures while in Baltimore will be limited.

How am I doing sans husband, you ask? With each day it gets better. The first day I tried to tell myself that it was just like it was at school. I had friends in town who went for some surfing lessons. This allowed me time on the beach to process and have my alone time to cry under my big pink floppy hat. It was so perfect because I needed that. I needed the time to hand it over to my higher power and meditate about it. I understood that everything is perfect, and even hard things can sometimes be hard. Then a parasail that was a big yellow smiley face went by, and it was confirmed even deeper that everything will be taken care of.

He is enjoying the internship at the courthouse, but says his fellow inters are really shy and quiet. I dared him to be crazy and fun and try to crack their shells. I'm excited for those stories. He even said he may take up some writing here on the ol' blog.

On a good note, sans husband means my distractions include workouts, trips to the beach, and I get to watch whatever I want! And school is starting tomorrow for me, so hopefully that will allow more distractions.

Here's to day 4!

my feminism

So I'm sitting on the comfy couch in my friend's spa as my mom gets a facial (the best facial in town if anyone is wondering) and I'm pondering the conversation my mom and I had on the car ride up.

I sometimes feel like I'm not sure what my "mission" in life is. I feel like I'm  seeker and there is no end in my journey. I won't necessarily "arrive" and that's ok. I always thought that I everything I did had to have an end. And I realized, there is no end. Everything is eternal and forever.

At the scholarship ceremony the other day I was getting down on myself that I don't have a real vision or drive toward something involving my feminism or "what I want to do". A lot of the women receiving scholarships were working on something specific. One woman's feminism was expressed through poetry, another's through editing a book of women's essay's and art, and another through the military. And I don't really have a direct "avenue" if you will.

As I was driving home by myself that night, I was crying a little. Mostly out of gratitude for the scholarship I had received, that my mom and brother came down for the event, and also, that I didn't have a direct avenue of my feminism.

Now going back to my conversation with my mom, I don't have to have one specific avenue. I'm a dabbler in many avenues. I'm a feminist in my own way, and that doesn't mean I have to be an activist. I make my own impressions and differences in my own way.

I express mine through femininity, sassiness, gentleness and independence. I'm not a protester or a bra burner. The world needs me for who I am.

I have many aspirations and things morph and change. Come and go. But I was reminded that everything I do makes a difference and blesses my own life and others. I often feel like I'm still trying to find myself, and yet I feel like my life will always be a journey of seeking. I'm a seeker of all things good. And I do things my way.

Thanks Mama for reminding me of who I am.
And for always taking care of me.

The speaker at the scholarship event also brought up the word "Womanist" That's a whole other topic for another time. But it's got me thinking. What is the difference between "womanist" and "feminist"?

The Man I'm Married To

I know, I know. I have a lot to update on. But let's be serious, it may not happen until this summer.
We went to Guatemala. Ok really that's the only big thing that's happened in our lives lately, and it was truly amazing. And I'll get to it... But right now I have something else on my mind.

The man I'm married to has an amazing opportunity happening in the next month. He's been offered an internship in Baltimore, MD for the summer. I'm sooo super excited for him. And it happened after stem of unfortunate events and then to end up with this awesome opportunity.
He will be interning for a judge, and that's about all I know.

But this leads me to reflect about things. When he accepted the internship we both said "oh yeah it will be hard to be away from each other but we will make it work. It won't be that big of a deal". But let's get real, it is going to be a big deal. A big deal all around. I would be going out with him but I have to take summer classes in order to graduate on time, and then I get to go visit toward the end of his stay.

Who will push down the blankets when I can't see the tv show? Or who will go change the laundry when I don't want to? And who will scratch my back every night? Or who will kiss my forehead every morning and every night? And who will listen to me while I verbally process my day's events every evening? And who will laugh with me about the crazy things we both experience while we are flossing our teeth? Who will I wait to scare while hiding behind the shower curtain waiting for the water to turn off so I can jump out? And who will do the daily Michael Jackson dance for me?

This is how wonderful he is, and what I'll be missing out on for 2.5 months.

I know, I know. It's not that much time. I don't have a lot to complain about because some people have their parter gone for over a year, and in another country. I feel grateful that I'm not in that situation.

And then I think about the wonderful opportunity he's going to have. And that our relationship doesn't hold the other one back and allows us to reach our full potential.

Our life is only beginning and I'm so excited.
I love my Bman so much and I'm so excited for him. He will just have to endure some late night Skype dates with me possibly falling asleep. Because that's what normally happens during our evening chats now.

Here's to Baltimore!

Reality check

A friend from the mission (2005-2006) tagged me in a picture on Facebook today and I didn't realize how heavy I was on the mission. I never weighed myself on the mission (and even if I had, they don't have scales that do pounds so I would have never would have known what it meant anyway), but I remember when I got home weighing in at 190 at my heaviest. (did I seriously just post that on my blog?)

And now it's 5 years later, I did actually loose wight for my wedding in August 2010, to which I am really proud of myself. I really made some lifestyle changes. I changed my diet, worked out every day and I was really dedicated.

Just home from Mission.                    Wedding day.

And these past few months with a busy life, school, work and whatever else, I've allowed myself to slack. I scale doesn't say I've put on a ton of weight back on, but I can see it in my face.

So the mission pictures is a great motivation and reminder that I need to take the time to eat right and exercise. I recently bought a stationary bike and I can't let it go unused. I'm grateful for this wonderful reminder. Thanks to the internet for keeping me accountable.

Taken last week

Clearly I need to stop making excuses and just do it! I'm off to get on that bike now!

What are some healthy tips that are working for you? Leave a comment with what has worked for you.

birthday weekend

My mom and I share birthdays, well, they are 2 days apart. I'm February 20th, and she's the 22nd. So of course our birthday parties are always combined, which I love. This year we had a "birthday weekend" in Long Beach. Full of massages from our Wendy who flew down from Utah, birthday parties, friends, family and amazing food!!

Handsome Men getting pedicures

We went for Greek food and did impersonations

Wendy stretched and massaged us

Delicious birthday wine

Met new friends

And old ones
(I don't remember what face we were making)

Birthday girls with friends, oh and Jane

Jane was definitely present, and had to be right by Mom

Mom and hew new knitting needles,
which were not intended for knitting, but baking.

Regrettably, my mouth was open in every picture taken of me.

The only pic of me and the hubs

Besides this one where Im handing him the trash

My much desired wallet I asked for my birthday
(by asked I mean, I emailed B the link and checked it every 10 minutes until he bought it)

And birthday sweets
(amazing lemon cookies)

We went to the Farmer's Market

And once back in San Diego, we relaxed and went to my
favorite salad place, "Tender Greens".
I have a rule, no making dinner on your birthday.

And every birthday needs frozen yogurt and hot fudge!

And of course they had my favorite flavor.
They knew it was my birthday.

  It was the best birthday every. Every year keeps getting better and better. It's so fun to share it with my mom and have a celebration just for me! My new slogan for this year is "Twenty eight feels great!" so my mom made me this banner.

I feel grateful to be alive. Life keeps getting better and better, and I keep getting younger and healthier.
Thank you to all my friends for the wonderful birthday texts and lovely notes on Facebook!

Love to all!!