April 19, 2011

{almost} figuring it out

I sometimes feel like I'm still figuring out who I am.
maybe it's a life long process and I didn't realize it before

Sometimes I dream about living in a little cottage where I can have a garden, field, paint my walls a different color every month...allow my inner hippie to come out.

Then sometimes I want to live in the city where I can shop at MAC and Nordy's all the time and occasionally go dancing....

Maybe I want something in-between. A darling little house in the suburbs, with beautiful grass and trees, a garden with tomatoes, zucchini, carrots...and I can paint the walls every month if I want to (although, if you know me. I won't. I think of a project, start it and it is too big to finish. so maybe I'll paint once). And I'm go running with my twin baby stroller through the neighborhood.

I feel like I'm having an identity crisis. I'm loving school, but what do I want to do after? I DON'T KNOW! I want to have a baby(ies) soon, but part of me feels so cliche and something I never said I would do; having a baby right after I graduate. But by then I will be nearly 30, and my baby monitor is screaming!

I'm just me. not just as in JUST, but that's all I can be. Some days I'm a hippie, some days I'm girly and prissy. And everyday, I'm ME, no matter what.

I think I feel like I'm having a 27 year old midlife crisis. The husband and I do the same thing every day. We go to school, work, homework, if we're lucky enough to have dinner, together, homework, watch a tv show, go to bed...start all over again. We both are feeling tired. Tired of school, and ready for it to be over. And yet at the same time I want to cherish this time and enjoy it. Sounds like a double negative.

I have dreams of being at home with my {twin} babies, focusing only on them, holding both in my arms, blogging about them, taking pictures of them. Then I think, am I ok with being a full time mom? I want to be, but I guess I always told myself that was bad. Women are to have careers, be successful, have foundations....I guess I can do all of that still.

I guess I'm struggling with who I am as a feminist. I've learned all these new ideas, and I agree with a lot of them. Is it bad that I want my man to take care of me? That's so non-feminist.

like I said, {almost} figuring it out.
these are the things going through my head right now.
oh, and I'm obsessed with twins right now. I just have that feeling.

I'm grateful in my confusion.

2 blurbs:

michael morrow said...

so beautiful and inspiring to hear your very astute and important questions....questions are the answer....hold very loosely to those questions as they are answered breath-by-breath...every tim(ing) a new vibe, a new idea, a new destiny...then suddenly new and fresh belly butterflies everytim(ing) you finish a paper, discover new-ness, pregers(your mom's word), when you hold on only loosely it all seems to make sense...even nonsense....

Sarah H. said...

Amen! Those thoughts echo in my mind all the time. I want to continue on a career, but I want to have babies, I want to get a masters, but I am getting too old to have babies...If only I were more ambitious when I was younger and finished school. But that is a great reminder that I need to be enjoying this and be grateful for the confusion.