Dear Summer,

I didn't think I'd ever feel the way.
I'm ready for you to be over.

I'm ready to have my husband back.
I'm ready for summer classes to be over.
I'm ready for a vacation.
A real vacation.
A vacation with my husband.
I'm ready for my normal life and regular routine to be back.
Which includes my husband.

I kind of miss him, a lot.
Having him in Baltimore is harder than I thought.
I don't cry as much as I did in the beginning.
But I still do sometimes.

Thank you for his free bike.
It makes me laugh that the chain keeps falling off,
and that it's too small.
But it's all part of the adventure.
Thank you for the kind people who take him to the grocery store.

Summer, please keep my Baltimore Boy safe.
I love him, a lot a lot.

Sincerely,
J

Without you

I only have to make one side of the bed...but that means you weren't there next to me.

I can watch whatever I want...but that means you weren't there to watch it with me.

One cooked meal that used to be shared between us has turned into 3 meals for just me...

because you weren't here to eat it with me.

I only did one load of laundry this week...but that means you weren't here with me.

Yesterday was your birthday and I texted you all the special things I was doing just

for your special day...but that means I did them without you.

Yesterday you went and got a special birthday Frosty....but without me.

 I parked your car right under our window so I can always see it. It's covered in leaves,

dirt and rain drops....all reminders that you're not here to drive it.

I climbed up on the desk to pull the big plant down to water it...which means

you weren't here to pull it down for me.

I miss you my sweet.

You're where you're supposed to be, and I'm where I'm supposed to be.

Everything is perfect and I get to see you in a month.

I love you.

The hubs is MIA

....well not really. He's in Baltimore, in da HOOD! No really, like really he's in da hood. His first day there his roommate, who we will call Carl, had stumbled in around 8am and passed out drunk in the living room with his earphones in and blaring loud music and tapping his foot to the beat. Ben said he tried to wake him up because he wasn't sure if he was alive, and he didn't wake up, but his foot kept tapping. Drunk reflexes? Who knows...

Maybe I should leave the rest of his stories for him to tell. They are pretty good. Basically, when I go out there to visit, I won't be allowed out of the house unless accompanied by him. So my dreams of having independent exploring adventures while in Baltimore will be limited.

How am I doing sans husband, you ask? With each day it gets better. The first day I tried to tell myself that it was just like it was at school. I had friends in town who went for some surfing lessons. This allowed me time on the beach to process and have my alone time to cry under my big pink floppy hat. It was so perfect because I needed that. I needed the time to hand it over to my higher power and meditate about it. I understood that everything is perfect, and even hard things can sometimes be hard. Then a parasail that was a big yellow smiley face went by, and it was confirmed even deeper that everything will be taken care of.

He is enjoying the internship at the courthouse, but says his fellow inters are really shy and quiet. I dared him to be crazy and fun and try to crack their shells. I'm excited for those stories. He even said he may take up some writing here on the ol' blog.

On a good note, sans husband means my distractions include workouts, trips to the beach, and I get to watch whatever I want! And school is starting tomorrow for me, so hopefully that will allow more distractions.

Here's to day 4!

my feminism

So I'm sitting on the comfy couch in my friend's spa as my mom gets a facial (the best facial in town if anyone is wondering) and I'm pondering the conversation my mom and I had on the car ride up.

I sometimes feel like I'm not sure what my "mission" in life is. I feel like I'm  seeker and there is no end in my journey. I won't necessarily "arrive" and that's ok. I always thought that I everything I did had to have an end. And I realized, there is no end. Everything is eternal and forever.

At the scholarship ceremony the other day I was getting down on myself that I don't have a real vision or drive toward something involving my feminism or "what I want to do". A lot of the women receiving scholarships were working on something specific. One woman's feminism was expressed through poetry, another's through editing a book of women's essay's and art, and another through the military. And I don't really have a direct "avenue" if you will.

As I was driving home by myself that night, I was crying a little. Mostly out of gratitude for the scholarship I had received, that my mom and brother came down for the event, and also, that I didn't have a direct avenue of my feminism.

Now going back to my conversation with my mom, I don't have to have one specific avenue. I'm a dabbler in many avenues. I'm a feminist in my own way, and that doesn't mean I have to be an activist. I make my own impressions and differences in my own way.

I express mine through femininity, sassiness, gentleness and independence. I'm not a protester or a bra burner. The world needs me for who I am.

I have many aspirations and things morph and change. Come and go. But I was reminded that everything I do makes a difference and blesses my own life and others. I often feel like I'm still trying to find myself, and yet I feel like my life will always be a journey of seeking. I'm a seeker of all things good. And I do things my way.

Thanks Mama for reminding me of who I am.
And for always taking care of me.

The speaker at the scholarship event also brought up the word "Womanist" That's a whole other topic for another time. But it's got me thinking. What is the difference between "womanist" and "feminist"?

The Man I'm Married To

I know, I know. I have a lot to update on. But let's be serious, it may not happen until this summer.
We went to Guatemala. Ok really that's the only big thing that's happened in our lives lately, and it was truly amazing. And I'll get to it... But right now I have something else on my mind.

The man I'm married to has an amazing opportunity happening in the next month. He's been offered an internship in Baltimore, MD for the summer. I'm sooo super excited for him. And it happened after stem of unfortunate events and then to end up with this awesome opportunity.
He will be interning for a judge, and that's about all I know.

But this leads me to reflect about things. When he accepted the internship we both said "oh yeah it will be hard to be away from each other but we will make it work. It won't be that big of a deal". But let's get real, it is going to be a big deal. A big deal all around. I would be going out with him but I have to take summer classes in order to graduate on time, and then I get to go visit toward the end of his stay.

Who will push down the blankets when I can't see the tv show? Or who will go change the laundry when I don't want to? And who will scratch my back every night? Or who will kiss my forehead every morning and every night? And who will listen to me while I verbally process my day's events every evening? And who will laugh with me about the crazy things we both experience while we are flossing our teeth? Who will I wait to scare while hiding behind the shower curtain waiting for the water to turn off so I can jump out? And who will do the daily Michael Jackson dance for me?

This is how wonderful he is, and what I'll be missing out on for 2.5 months.

I know, I know. It's not that much time. I don't have a lot to complain about because some people have their parter gone for over a year, and in another country. I feel grateful that I'm not in that situation.

And then I think about the wonderful opportunity he's going to have. And that our relationship doesn't hold the other one back and allows us to reach our full potential.

Our life is only beginning and I'm so excited.
I love my Bman so much and I'm so excited for him. He will just have to endure some late night Skype dates with me possibly falling asleep. Because that's what normally happens during our evening chats now.

Here's to Baltimore!

Reality check

A friend from the mission (2005-2006) tagged me in a picture on Facebook today and I didn't realize how heavy I was on the mission. I never weighed myself on the mission (and even if I had, they don't have scales that do pounds so I would have never would have known what it meant anyway), but I remember when I got home weighing in at 190 at my heaviest. (did I seriously just post that on my blog?)

And now it's 5 years later, I did actually loose wight for my wedding in August 2010, to which I am really proud of myself. I really made some lifestyle changes. I changed my diet, worked out every day and I was really dedicated.

Just home from Mission.                    Wedding day.

And these past few months with a busy life, school, work and whatever else, I've allowed myself to slack. I scale doesn't say I've put on a ton of weight back on, but I can see it in my face.

So the mission pictures is a great motivation and reminder that I need to take the time to eat right and exercise. I recently bought a stationary bike and I can't let it go unused. I'm grateful for this wonderful reminder. Thanks to the internet for keeping me accountable.

Taken last week

Clearly I need to stop making excuses and just do it! I'm off to get on that bike now!

What are some healthy tips that are working for you? Leave a comment with what has worked for you.

birthday weekend

My mom and I share birthdays, well, they are 2 days apart. I'm February 20th, and she's the 22nd. So of course our birthday parties are always combined, which I love. This year we had a "birthday weekend" in Long Beach. Full of massages from our Wendy who flew down from Utah, birthday parties, friends, family and amazing food!!

Handsome Men getting pedicures

We went for Greek food and did impersonations

Wendy stretched and massaged us

Delicious birthday wine

Met new friends

And old ones
(I don't remember what face we were making)

Birthday girls with friends, oh and Jane

Jane was definitely present, and had to be right by Mom

Mom and hew new knitting needles,
which were not intended for knitting, but baking.

Regrettably, my mouth was open in every picture taken of me.

The only pic of me and the hubs

Besides this one where Im handing him the trash

My much desired wallet I asked for my birthday
(by asked I mean, I emailed B the link and checked it every 10 minutes until he bought it)

And birthday sweets
(amazing lemon cookies)

We went to the Farmer's Market

And once back in San Diego, we relaxed and went to my
favorite salad place, "Tender Greens".
I have a rule, no making dinner on your birthday.

And every birthday needs frozen yogurt and hot fudge!

And of course they had my favorite flavor.
They knew it was my birthday.

  It was the best birthday every. Every year keeps getting better and better. It's so fun to share it with my mom and have a celebration just for me! My new slogan for this year is "Twenty eight feels great!" so my mom made me this banner.

I feel grateful to be alive. Life keeps getting better and better, and I keep getting younger and healthier.
Thank you to all my friends for the wonderful birthday texts and lovely notes on Facebook!

Love to all!!

Dear My Guardian Angels

Dear My Guardian Angels,

Thank you. I come from complete gratitude for the life I have been given. The world that has been given to me is beautiful, my relationships are alive and fulfilling, and my body is healthy and active. Thank you for the awareness to release things that no longer serve me with grace and for the openness to welcome new adventures and relationships into my life.

Thank you for the knowledge I have of health; healthy relationships, healthy body and healthy mind. Balance of health in all areas is very important to me and I’m grateful for this awareness and the opportunity to share it with others. Thank you for my desire to cook healthy foods and learn new ways of nutrition.

Thank you for my talents and aspirations to create beauty all around me. Thank you for friends who guide me to more knowledge and understanding. Friends who teach me about nutrition, art, painting, sewing, cooking, love, girl time, giggling and so much more!


Thank you for my wonderful husband who is my best friend. A man who is smart, follows his dreams and his heart, is incredibly handsome and always knows how to have fun and be silly. He is a man of gentleness   and wisdom. A man who is moldable and teachable, and always open minded. 


Please remind me to always see the good in others and all situations, Please remind me that when things get tough, it's all part of the journey of life, and there is a higher purpose in all. Remind me that I always get to choose how I perceive things, and I'm the creator of all in my life. Please help me to remember to smile and carry the light of joy with me.  Help me to remember to forgive, share what I have, and be open to receiving. 


Thank you for always being near me and protecting me. Thank you for guiding me in all that I do.
Thank you for all that I have.


Much love,
me

Friday of L.O.V.E.

I married the best man.

I'll just let the pictures explain...
(and for some reason the pictures are creating their own design. I'm just going with it)

1. date attire
2. our view on the water
3. B checking times
4. sipping my beverage
5. surprise restaurant
6. in love with my tights
7. B's valentine give to me
   that I absolutely love
8. my valentine give to B
9. delicious meal
10. love birds
11. ruffle
12. hand holding at the table

Together 4.5 years. Married 1.5 years.

I couldn't have asked for a better man.

I have the heart of the most gentle, kind, smart and funny man.

I feel blessed that he chose me and we get to spend our lives together.

I fall asleep every night to him scratching my back.

I wake up every morning to his classic phrase "Good morning, beautiful"

(or "Good morning, sweetie" it switches off)

He allows me to travel wherever I want.
And he loves to travel so we get to go to exotic places together.

He appreciates all of my cooking, and will eat anything I try.

He helps with the laundry, and does it 'my nerotic way'.

He never questions or criticizes my ideas, and goes along with every crazy one I have.

(I've dragged him into pretty crazy stuff and he just laughs at me)

He is a male feminist.

He has an amazing head of hair, deep voice, super tall and the funniest man I know.

And he always reminds me how long my hair is getting...

Geez, I picked the right guy!

And he picked the right girl!

Well let's see....

So I've actually received a request to update my blog. I know right? People actually like to hear about my life...I mean I know I have an interesting and fascinating life, but other people think so too? So my dream of becoming a well known blogger could actually become a reality?


Well my life right now. Let's see... My regular life of having wayyy to much on my plate is still the same. In fact, I think I'm addicted to it. When one thing ends, It's like I have to go looking for something else to fill that void. I can't just allow myself to, you know, relax.

I took up an internship at a local clinic because I was considering get a double masters in Public Health and Social Work. Well the internship isn't everything I had hoped and dreamed it would be and I no longer want to go into public health. The social work is still heavily on my mind though.
I had all these hopes and dreams while at the clinic of being able to see people's lives change but the coping, cutting and stapling of papers seems to be getting in the way of that. I'm really trying to make my skills and talents obvious and ripe for the picking without going as far as screaming "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. I CAN DO MORE THAN CUT AND COPY!" But...well that wouldn't be very professional of an intern who is the same age as her supervisor, now would it? Last week my supervisor had me call some patients to remind them of their appointment the next day and after I finish in about 1/4 of the time anyone else did, my superviser casually mentioned "wow you're really good on the phone" I smiled sweetly as the thought ran through my head "Yeah, I know. I actually do this for a living, have ran my own office and am a very personable and social person" But I sweetly said "Thank you. Is there anyone else you want me to call" with a smile...

So to fill the void that the internship isn't fulfilling, I also took up being a mentor for under privileged high school students. Now this, this is my calling for this semester. I'm so excited I could jump for joy. Oh wait, I did do that this morning during my work out. My jumping jacks had so much more meaning! We go to the high school once a week during their lunch break and there is a presentation and then we break into our small groups and discuss what they thought or felt. My favorite part is that the topics are feminist related. Helping these girls gain more self esteem and knowledge to go onto high school and have a voice. How amazing is that?

And of course, because I like to make things complicated, never mind, it will work out. The mentorship buts up right against my first class at 12:30. So I will be leaving the students early (which I'm really bummed about) to dash over to the school, to try and find parking and run up the 50 flights of stairs to make it to my first class. And to top it all off, the first time we go to the high school, I have my first test seconds later. Love it. But, I can do it. It just adds a nice little dimension.

In other news...Ben is doing great. He's working at the school clinic helping small businesses and nonprofit groups with legal stuff. It's slow moving but he's enjoying it and it will turn into something great. He's graduating in December, which seems like we will wake up tomorrow and it will be here. It's crazy how fast this law school experience has gone. And yet, the sweet boy is so ready to be done.

That boy sure is amazing and the sweetest man I know. I've been really thinking a lot lately how I truly am with the best man. Geez, that's sappy, but it's my blog, and I get to write what I want. And he's amazing. I feel grateful for our relationship and how we both are able to live our independent lives and come together and we pretty much rock.

And on top of all our craziness combined, I'm going to Portland to see the girls and boys the same week Ben is going to UCLA for a law interview thingy, the next week we are going to Long Beach for a combined birthday massage party with my mom (our birthday's are 2 days apart), and I'm having a separate birthday party in SD with some friends the following week. Life is crazy, and yet we're addicted to it. Maybe I shouldn't say we...Ben likes it slow and steady, where I thrive on the busy.
Just the the other day, I knew we had to leave the house in 10 minutes, and I really wanted to hang my new pot/pan holder. So I got out the drill, and hung that bad boy in less than 10 minutes, just to see if I could. Of course I could and it looks amazing and makes it so much easier to find our pots and pans. I cook dinner now just because I get to pull something off the rack.


In other news, my hair is long enough to curl, Ben started working out with a friend once a week and he can't move the rest of the week, I got a stationary bike that I love, he still doesn't come home until 9/10pm at night, I'm addicted to making my own house hold cleaning supplies, and we are BOTH going to Guatemala over Spring Break!

Loves to everyone!